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End of Winter Blues

I'm tired and I'm ready to go home, is something I been telling myself for awhile. These last 30 days I have felt it more than ever. Maybe it's just been the last couple weeks. The last seven days have been hell. Holy Shit.

I wouldn't even know where to begin.

. . . .

Maybe we can start with today.

I tried asking my mom for help.

It didn't turn out well.

We don't have much of a relationship.

I been wondering if I could take her off my birth certificate.

I been thinking about changing my name again.

I was Calvin Siddle, I'm currently Kalvin Satiacum.

I don't know who I'll be in the future, but I hope it's not the same.

I value change, and being different.

I could go stakio it mean wolf.

I told my friend who sings blues and bluegrass, that I wanted my blue name to be RedWolf, she said it didn't sound scary enough. She told me that my name should be Dead Wolf.

That's where I got my name from Dead Woof. . .

My family comes from Raven Clan.

In the wild ravens and wolfs play together. Ravens also known to be tricksters. Sometimes I'm a wolf, and sometimes I'm a raven playing a wolf. Most of the time I'm just a moth looking for a warm light. . .

So, I sort of took out 40 years of confusion on my mother after I got some passive aggressive response from her.

When I say I'm ready to go home, it means I'm ready to go be with my ancestors.

I don't mean this in same harm kind of way.

I feel like I have go to live an awesome life, I got to experience so many things.

I don't have any regrets. I lived like tomorrow wasn't promised.

I was raised to be a free thinker, for whatever that means, and yet also encouraged to live my youth to the fullest. I was a baby and I was independent and spoiled as much a lower/middle class can be.

. . .

My truck broke down.

A rear tire came off .. .. .. with the rod attached.

I don't know much about cars and stuff, so I don't know what to do about it.

I found a printer that I wanted, but it was like 20+ miles away.

I found someone to take me to go get.

It was available online, but not in the store. . .

So I got a cheaper model . ..

ugh . ..

The printer doesn't want to print . . it jams whenever I try to print. Hopefully I can return it to a local Walmart . . .

I went to three funerals last week . . .

The house payment and my bank are a mess. . .

I missed a bunch of school, behind on everything, and is the end of the quarter.

idk im exhausted. . .

One of the people that pasted away was a former coworker, of mine. I use to work security for the tribe. My nephew works security. . . So I ask my nephew if he can take me to the funeral. He said "sure." He picks me up in the morning, and we get the funeral place. He tells me he can't really do a funeral today and that he didn't know the person to well. .

I tell him, I love him, give him a hug and hope out.

I was incredibly hurt at that point.

I was really in disbelief and I didn't know what to say or do.

While my nephew might not have know him, he was for sure going to know plenty of people there. This is what we do as a Community. His bosses was there, he had other uncles, and family there.

My nephew didn't say anything about picking me up, or taking me to the graveside service, or anything. So I figured I was kind of on my own at that point. Which was annoying bc I could have just walked there. I mean the place was only like six blocks away. Getting to the cemetery was different and getting back from the cemetery was different two. Then is the walk home. He never checked to see if I need help.

I have very clearly burned a lot of bridges to the ground in my life.

It's okay, I'm ready to go home. I'm ready to be with my families on the other side.

The thing that stops me from self harm is my pups.

Without them I would be dust. . . Without them I am dust

Only my dogs know who I truly am

I have metric crap ton of work to catch up on. . .

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